in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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