I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
