well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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