My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
