I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
