You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
