Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
