Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize