i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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