So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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