i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
So squirting runs in the family.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
