I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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