Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I could fuck to npr.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
