What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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