i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
