I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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