My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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