I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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