at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
