My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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