Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize