i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
