I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
