He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
