Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
