So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
