Whod you bang
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
