drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
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