It's like God shit irony all over that family
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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