Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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