I am spending my child support on dildos
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
