My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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