come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
