Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
