My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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