would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
