my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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