Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
3pm strippers are depressing
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
