conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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