It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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