Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
