My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
