stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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