tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
