I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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