gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
