Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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