soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
