jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
And then he peed in my hair
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