Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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