she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
