i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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