obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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