you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
