he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
