Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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