So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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